I wanted to spend some time talking about the things I need as a parent to work on. You don’t find this information discussed in a lot of parenting skills arenas. And this tendency to not look within and be open about it, makes me feel like the areas where I am inadequate are horrible. And there is a sense of being hopeless that accompanies that because I don’t know what to do replace them and then with what?

In the Total Transformation program, I found answers to replace my internal accusations. I was pleasantly surprised, to say the least, that James Lehman, the author, addresses those areas that would seem to cause me to derail. Not to mention lose sleep. But mostly, inhibit my parenting from being as effective as it could.

A Change is in the Air

Here are a couple of the of the parental changes that I made that gave me immediate results.

1. Family business. Deal with behavioral issues in a semi-formal business-like manner. Keep your emotions out of it as best you can. This will make it easier to maintain control. Try not to take the behavior personally, it will make you ineffective.

2. Transition Time. This is one of my favorites. Basically, discuss with your children that there will be a 10-15 minute window when either of you gets home where no questions are asked or problems presented. Everyone gets these few moments to unwind, catch up on the news of the day and reenter the family. Doing this without being barraged will make you a happier, interested parent. And your teen won’t feel attacked.

3. Responsible love vs unconditional love. There is only one person who was capable of loving unconditionally and it is not me. But we are able to love our children responsibly. Parental love is actually an intellectual love not an emotional love. You will not lose your child’s love if you set up rules. Don’t parent out of this fear. Kids pick up fear a mile away and use it to control you. I have always said that there are 2 things a child wants to know to feel loved and safe -”Who is in charge here and do you love me?”.

4. Replacement and reciprocity. Have an arsenal of correct behaviors to give your child to replace inappropriate ones. Let them know the benefits of dealing with a situation in a right manner. This is much more effective than yelling “Stop!”. You must have these behaviors etched in your mind ahead of time and do require some creative skills.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of areas we as parents can improve ourselves. Especially if we were not modeled good parenting as kids. Don’t be afraid though to start changing yourself in this process. The rewards will come in great bounds with an open, more loving relationship with those kiddos. And that is priceless.